June 10

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) vs. Intellectual Intelligence (IQ)

Most of us have learned not to trust our emotions. We've been told emotions distort the more “accurate” information our intellect supplies. Even the term “emotional” has come to mean weak, out of control, and even childish. On the other hand, our abilities to memorize and problem-solve, to spell words and do mathematical calculations, are easily measured on written tests and slapped as grades on report cards. Ultimately, these intellectual abilities dictate which college will accept us and which career paths we‘re advised to follow.  However, intellectual intelligence (IQ) is usually less important in determining how successful we are than emotional intelligence (EQ). We all know people who are academically brilliant and yet are socially inept and unsuccessful. What they are missing is emotional intelligence.

Five Key Skills for Raising Your Emotional Intelligence

 Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a different type of intelligence. It’s about being “heart smart,” not just “book smart.” The evidence shows that emotional intelligence matters just as much as intellectual ability, if not more so, when it comes to happiness and success in life. Emotional intelligence helps you build strong relationships, succeed at work, and achieve your goals.  The skills of emotional intelligence can be developed throughout life. You can boost your own “EQ” by learning how to rapidly reduce stress, connect to your emotions, communicate nonverbally, use humor and play to deal with challenges, and defuse conflicts with confidence and self-assurance.  For a detailed listing of the five skills, please visit http://helpguide.org/mental/eq5_raising_emotional_intelligence.htm .

Developing Your Emotional Intelligence:

Top Ten Suggestions 

1. Become emotionally literate. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.	Use three word sentences beginning with "I feel". Start labeling feelings; stop labeling people & situations "I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous." I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk." "I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like an idiot."
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.	Thoughts: I feel like...& I feel as if.... & I feel that Feelings: I feel: (feeling word)
3. Take more responsibility for your feelings.	"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous." Analyze your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people. Let your feelings help you identify your unmet emotional needs.
4. Use your feelings to help make decisions	"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't?" "How do I feel?" "What would help me feel better?" Ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would help you feel better?"
5. Use feelings to set and achieve goals	- Set feeling goals. Think about how you want to feel or how you want others to feel. (your employees, your clients, your students, your children, your partner) - Get feedback and track progress towards the feeling goals by periodically measuring feelings from 0-10. For example, ask clients, students, teenagers how much they feel respected from 0 to 10.
6. Feel energized, not angry.	Use what others call "anger" to help feel energized to take productive action.
7. Validate other people's feelings.	Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people's feelings.
8. Use feelings to help show respect for others.	How will you feel if I do this? How will you feel if I don't? Then listen and take their feelings into consideration.
9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others.	Instead, try to just listen with empathy and non-judgment.
10. Avoid people who invalidate you.	While this is not always possible, at least try to spend less time with them, or try not to let them have psychological power over you.

More Tips
- Ask others how they feel -- on scale of 0-10
- Make time to reflect on your feelings
- Identify your fears and desires
- Identify your UEN's (Unmet Emotional Needs)
- Express your feelings - find out who listens, understands, validates you and cares.
- Develop the courage and self-confidence to follow your own feelings
- Work on managing your negative feelings
- See the list of feeling words to practice improving your emotional literacy

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Useful Things to Remember
- Your "negative" feelings are expressions of your unmet emotional needs (UEN's)
- Each negative feeling has a positive value
- Awareness of your feelings increases self-knowledge. Self-knowledge aids self-improvement.
- Actions and behavior are motivated by feelings. We can often choose how we respond to an emotion. Remembering this helps us feel in control, which is empowering. Taking responsibility for meeting our own needs is also empowering.

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Managing Your Negative Feelings
- Ask: why something bothers you.
- Look at the relationship between your unmet emotional needs, your childhood, and your beliefs.
- Consider the possibility that some of your beliefs might be dysfunctional and remember that beliefs can be changed.
- Remember that accepting responsibility helps release resentment.
- Re-frame the situation as an opportunity for personal growth.
- Change some of your demands and expectations into preferences to make them less emotionally powerful and addictive.

Happy Job Hunting!

Len Grady IT Project Manager, HRSDC
Cell: (613) 222-8162 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting            (613) 222-8162      end_of_the_skype_highlighting | Office: (819) 956-9326 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting            (819) 956-9326      end_of_the_skype_highlighting
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